Not Evil, but Spectacular

We should have a (spoiler-free) discussion about the song "Not Evil," from Lego Movie 2, because it is a triumph:

 

This song is an amazing success precisely because it's a ridiculous failure. Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi’s message is hopelessly broken.

1. If the queen is good, skeptics will never take her word for it — she keeps talking about evil, imprisonment, and execution. 
2. If the queen is evil, skeptics will never fall for her lies — she can't stop herself from talking about evil, imprisonment, and execution. 

In either case, her obsession with evil makes her more relatable. She's just like us!

Crafty rogues have entertained people for centuries, because being good is boring. The Book of Swindles was written during the Ming Dynasty in China. Reviewer Rob Moore wrote that “the success of the collection upon its publication in 1617 demonstrates that the author knew too well that the only thing better than alerting the reader to nefarious criminals is to let them in on the crime.”

Consider how many games let you be bad, knowing that your actions are wrong but letting you do them anyway. It can be as explicit as Grand Theft Auto, or as low key as a game like Donut County. The opening sequence of Donut County establishes that it is especially self-aware, as game designer Andrew Plotkin explained:

"it establishes right off that dropping people into holes is (a) wrong and (b) what you’re going to do all game long and (c) way fun. This is kind of brilliant." 

Back to Lego Movie 2. During the song, the queen engages in a bunch of questionable behavior that makes it impossible to tell whether she’s welcoming her guests or menacing them. (You can find similar behavior online: someone who is using the word “ally” to describe themselves hasn't made their creepy behavior any less creepy.)

Saying “This is X” is different from saying "This is not Y." What does “not evil” mean, anyway? In the classic D&D table of alignments, you’ve only ruled out three alignments, or less than half of the available options.

I know what you're asking. You're asking, "What alignment is my hamburger?" And I'm here to help. pic.twitter.com/IDgtfB5jUc

— Kyle Marquis (@Moochava) February 13, 2016

But it takes more than clever writing for the Lego sequence to work.

The conflicting messages would be a waste of time if they were delivered with less energy; it would fail if the “good” parts weren’t trying hard to be believable, or the “evil” parts weren’t appropriately suspect. Tiffany Haddish absolutely nails it at both extremes of the spectrum.

Listen to the (believably!) self-righteous way she announces “I never lie!” This is in the same song where she gives away an entire planet. Compare that tone to the way she lists off adjectives that people use to describe her. Ask yourself if someone completely innocent would have nearly as much fun reciting those words.

The whole thing is amazing.

Hey, look! Jenny McCarthy's on Sesame Street!

It's nice to see she's doing something besides that Autism activism.

What's this? She has a whole series of books about being a mother. I wonder what they're like.

Jenny, what do you have to say about marital relations during pregnancy in your book, Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth?

PIG IN THE PASTURE (SEX IN THE NINTH MONTH)

I don't think pigs graze in pastures, but I just figured it sounded better than "pig in the mud." Any way you phrase it, this is exactly how I felt the one and only time my husband and I had sex in the ninth month. All the books tell you about "comfortable positions," and the one they really zero in on is the "doggy-style" position. Sure, it's great at an ideal weight, but when you're close to two hundred pounds, you aren't thinking dog...you're thinking pig. And I'm sure I sounded like one because my cries (of joy and desire, of course) sounded more like squeals than oohs and ahs. It was clear to me that my poor husband was concentrating hard on his Rolodex of fantasies because I sure as hell wasn't one for him anymore. I just wanted that piggy sex to end, but I hung in there like a good wife because I wanted to take care of my man. (Full disclosure: I was really "bad" the whole pregnancy. I never really "took care of him." I should have offered a couple of blow jobs here and there, but the way I felt every day, you couldn't have paid me enough.) [pp.147-148]

Um, okay. But what about-

Now, let me give you a better visual. My husband is very lean. Sexy as hell. But very lean. Most women would kill for his metabolism. As I propped myself into position and we began to get down, I could feel that his entire lean body was half the size of my ass. No joke. I couldn't stop thinking that his skinny frame was going to get stuck between my ass cheeks. So every time I felt him pump, I would clench my cheeks to keep from swallowing him up. All the while, I couldn't stop thinking how just plain wrong this was. This was not a high-self-esteem moment for a pregnant woman in desperate need of some. My advice: If you're not feeling it, don't try this one. Leave it to some lonely farmer. [p.148]

I... I see.

Hey, look! Ice-T is on Sesame Street!

Iron Chef America

It's okay. Certainly, it's head and shoulders above the absolutely painful Iron Chef USA, but it's still a mixed bag of entertainment. On the one hand, the guy that they have as the chairman is absolutely hilarious. He manages to be completely over-the-top with his gestures, his dialogue, and his mannerisms, but at the same time he makes you feel like you and he are sharing a private joke. And the little sound effects that they add to his karate moves that introduce the Iron Chefs? Win.

On the other hand, Alton Brown. Sometimes he's on the mark, but as a general rule, I would pay good money to punch Alton Brown in the face. Specifically, he needed a good firm smack (possibly with a rolled-up newspaper, or maybe a brass knuckle) during battle coffee. I get it--you're hyper because it's coffee--but I didn't want it in the first place. And is it just me, or does Kevin Brauch appear to be seething with barely-concealed resentment when Brown condescends to let him give the same explanation of the judging rules every episode?

For the judges, I can understand that the show's producers would want people who think differently because arguments mean drama, and drama means good television. The problem is that some of the judges are insufferable when they get to express their opinion. Andrew Knowlton comes across as prissy and elitist when he disagrees with his peers, quibbling over academic minutiae, picking apart the statements of the other panelists, and always needing to mutter the last word into his food like a spoiled eight-year-old. In contrast, Jeffrey Steingarten does an excellent job of voicing his opinion, frequently failing to agree with the other judges but still managing to sound like he is trying to offer constructive criticism, not just showing off. One is a tough but fair evaluator who is disappointed when chefs fail to meet his high standards, and the other is a petty control freak who throws a fit whenever the world around him refuses to meet his expectations. You never know what you're going to get.

I'll keep watching it (unless they keep adding new Iron Chefs; YOU ARE NOT WANTED, MICHAEL SYMON). In the meantime, I have compiled this list of items that I would like to see used as the central ingredient of future episodes battles:

Tic Tacs
Oatmeal
Jello
Goldfish (the cracker, but the pet might work as well)
butter
hot dogs
salt
scotch
bread
windex

Oh wait, this might actually be my grocery list.

Yes, it could be called P-Control.

MTV's Parental Control is everything that is wrong--not only with television, but with America as a whole--and I love it. Not just because I'm looking for tips on how to deal with what happens when I let my daughter start dating (twenty-five years from now), but mostly because the combination of reality show staging, empty posturing, and simulated teenage heartbreak is nothing short of magical. I shouldn't love a television show this much, and yet here I am writing about it.

The premise is that there is a set of parents who disapprove of their child's significant other. They explain to the camera why their daughter (or son!) is dating a shiftless layabout in confessional style, intercut with said layabout hamming it up in staged reenactments. Then the parents start interviewing replacements.

The interview sequence is all the earnest desire to please of American Idol tryouts combined with the sketchy meat-market shenanigans of Flavor of/Rock of/Shot at Love. The potential for hilarity here is maximized by the potential "dates" who seem to forget that they are not talking to the person that they are going to be dating, they are talking to that person's parents.

There's a fun mix of people who don't know what they're talking about (like the contestant who said that one of her hobbies was Argentinian Tango, and demonstrated a few steps by bending her knees in a half crouch, keeping her feet planted firmly on the floor, and thrashing her arms and shoulders like a go-go dancer with a freshly broken back) and people who shouldn't be allowed out in public (like the guy who said that if he was a carnival ride, he'd be "the one trick pony!" A pronouncement that was accompanied by pelvic thrusts while his right hand pantomimed hair-pulling and his left hand smacked his imaginary partner on the ass). Usually, one parent selects a new date based on personality, while the other goes for looks.

Here would be a good time to ask ourselves some questions about relationships and the people who want them filmed even while they rip them apart. Pretend that you are in a committed relationship, and your significant other's parents told both of you that they think you're an unworthy loser, and they are actively trying to end this relationship by sending their child out on two blind dates.

1) Wouldn't it be a huge red flag if the person that you thought was committed to you is suddenly willing to date other people because their parents said so?

2) Would you be able to sit next to those parents watching footage of the dates? Would you be able to make wisecracks and talk trash for the cameras trained on the three of you while you watch?

Some of the exchanges here HAVE to be scripted, but at the same time there's genuine fear in the eyes of some of these people; if they're only acting like they're trying to use sarcasm and jokes to cover up the fear that they might be single at the end of the day, they're doing a damn good job of it.

And then there's the final choosing, the whole show's raison d'etre. It's filmed for maximum tension, complete with dramatic music, and the two challengers stand with the contentious current sweetheart to find out who will remain. That's when things get real. Some of these contestants are mouthy. Sure, the people who have just had their long-standing relationship ripped apart on reality television have the right to blow off some steam. I'm talking about the newcomers, the are people who just came from a free date paid for by MTV, who were actively trying to steal someone from an existing relationship, and they suddenly get it into their heads that they've been slighted. The bitter comments of these losers have ranged from "go fuck yourself," "it's just as well you didn't pick me, because I'd never have picked you," and my personal favorite, "that's okay, I would rather have dated your mom."

Parental Control. It's good T.V. (that you'll feel like a bad person for enjoying)