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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hey, look! Jenny McCarthy's on Sesame Street!

It's nice to see she's doing something besides that Autism activism.

What's this? She has a whole series of books about being a mother. I wonder what they're like.

Jenny, what do you have to say about marital relations during pregnancy in your book, Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth?

PIG IN THE PASTURE (SEX IN THE NINTH MONTH)

I don't think pigs graze in pastures, but I just figured it sounded better than "pig in the mud." Any way you phrase it, this is exactly how I felt the one and only time my husband and I had sex in the ninth month. All the books tell you about "comfortable positions," and the one they really zero in on is the "doggy-style" position. Sure, it's great at an ideal weight, but when you're close to two hundred pounds, you aren't thinking dog...you're thinking pig. And I'm sure I sounded like one because my cries (of joy and desire, of course) sounded more like squeals than oohs and ahs. It was clear to me that my poor husband was concentrating hard on his Rolodex of fantasies because I sure as hell wasn't one for him anymore. I just wanted that piggy sex to end, but I hung in there like a good wife because I wanted to take care of my man. (Full disclosure: I was really "bad" the whole pregnancy. I never really "took care of him." I should have offered a couple of blow jobs here and there, but the way I felt every day, you couldn't have paid me enough.) [pp.147-148]
Um, okay. But what about-

Now, let me give you a better visual. My husband is very lean. Sexy as hell. But very lean. Most women would kill for his metabolism. As I propped myself into position and we began to get down, I could feel that his entire lean body was half the size of my ass. No joke. I couldn't stop thinking that his skinny frame was going to get stuck between my ass cheeks. So every time I felt him pump, I would clench my cheeks to keep from swallowing him up. All the while, I couldn't stop thinking how just plain wrong this was. This was not a high-self-esteem moment for a pregnant woman in desperate need of some. My advice: If you're not feeling it, don't try this one. Leave it to some lonely farmer. [p.148]

I... I see.

Hey, look! Ice-T is on Sesame Street!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Independence Day!

Happy 4th of July.

I went to my town's Independence Day parade, and it was completely fucking awesome. The highlights:

Our town's mayor was at the beginning of the parade. He works in the shipping center (read: mail room) of the company I work at.

The Grand Marshall drove past in the back of a convertible. He's 99.

My boss, who was one of the 4 people marching in the Republican Party delegation, waved at me.

The NRA gun safety float had a guy in an Eddie Eagle costume. A pleasant wave of nostalgia washed over me as I recalled his acting debut with Jason Priestly.

An old-fashioned pickup truck died in the middle of the parade, and had to be pushed out of the way. I felt bad for the people riding in the back; they looked like they didn't know if they were supposed to keep waving as they were pushed into a parking lot.

The beauty pageant winners: Tiny Miss Smalltown looked happy. Teen Miss Smalltown looked surly, blowing air through her lips in an irritated gesture. Regular Miss Smalltown just looked bored.

A row of Confederate soldiers in period costume. They paused to fire their rifles, and were followed by an enormous fat man, also in costume, without a rifle but carrying a book.

The town's fire department had all of its vehicles in the parade, and emergency vehicles from nearby counties were also present. I hoped that no one had an emergency while the vehicles were stuck in the parade.

There was a float for Boston Red Sox fans. I did not expect to see one south of the Mason Dixon line.

6-8 Shriners were present, wearing their fezzes, zipping around in tiny cars. It was difficult to count them all because they were wheeling around in synchronized formations, giving hand signals to each other to coordinate their movements. There were more Shriners in the parade than Republican Party marchers.

A group handed out freeze pops, which were eagerly accepted along the hot parade route. As an added bonus, they were attached to Jack Chick Tracts. Sadly, we got 3 copies of the same tract ("Party Girl").

I also met an old man who introduced himself by poking me in the ass with his cane and telling me not to move. He was going to sit in my shadow to stay cool, which was a sound theory but lacking in execution because I have seen lampposts and stop signs with more burly silhouettes. We helped him move his chair into the shade of a nearby sapling, and he talked with us through the rest of the parade. He wondered how the fire company could afford so many big vehicles with the current state of the economy, and noted that you don't see many niggers in these parts ("You probably call them black people," he said, "but I call still call them niggers"), and that it's horrifying how many obese women can be seen in the area (said while looking at an enormous, 300+ lb woman in a wheelchair who was sitting within earshot).

The obese woman held an infant that looked less than a year old. The infant was drinking diet Dr. Pepper, straight out of the can, and ignoring its nearby bottle.

Best parade ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UNITED STATES!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Sound Parenting Decisions

Sending our daughter to daycare was an unavoidable necessity, so we spent a lot of time considering our options and carefully evaluating the places in town:

  • Sister Knucklecracker's Purgatorial Childcare
  • Typhoid Mary's Germ Nursery (Free Blankets!)
  • Li'l' Axefighters Infant Dojo
  • That Van Lurking by the Playground Fun Time Center
  • Bob's Alligator Pit

In the end, we chose one for its friendly staff, clean facilities, and convenient location:



That's right. After a rigorous examination of childcare centers in our area, we went and chose the one by the porn store.

Decay of our society's moral fiber: 1
Responsible parenting: 0

I'm still not sure how it happened.

Well, I have an idea. We were so worried about the kind of people that our daughter would be exposed to inside of the daycare that we didn't pay enough attention to the kind of people that would be outside of it.

Why didn't I notice this earlier? The porn store is screened by the fried chicken restaurant, so by the time your brain is done saying "mmm, fried chicken," you've pulled into the daycare's driveway, handed over your check, dropped of your daughter, and are ready for something to eat.

I'm thinking I should get a coffee mug or something emblazoned with my new motto, "I routinely make poor decisions."

Friday, April 24, 2009

Guest Posted II: The Guest Postening

I did another thing this time, over at Eegra about writing video game reviews. Actually, it was about making fun of a specific game reviewer, but he was incredibly good-natured about it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Guest Posted

Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that the Imaginary Reviewer was kind enough to let me do a guest post over at his blog.

The post is about video games, a subject near and dear to my heart.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Most Least Caring Dog

So, our daughter turns one year old this month, and I thought I'd share some of these pictures that show how well our dog has taken to her.


Oh, you look cold. Here, let me bring you this blanket.



There you go, all nice and warm. Just let me tuck it in for you.



All better? Sweet dreams!


Touching, isn't it?

Well, it would be until you learn that I posted these pictures in reverse chronological order. That's right, the dog is stealing the blanket from the baby.

Go back and look at picture one again. Yes, he's backing away carefully so that he doesn't accidentally wake her.



Saturday, February 7, 2009

Intelligent Financial Planning

As worried as I am about the economy now, I'm even more worried about what I'm going to live on in the future. So I'm contributing more actively to my 401(k), but two questions are bothering me. Why is it plan number 401? What does the (k) stand for?

I tracked down some financial experts and posed these questions to them. Well, to their secretaries, anyway, and their voice mails, and in some cases the door to the bathroom stall they were using at the time. I got a variety of answers, “He’s not in at the moment,” “Leave a message at the tone,” and “Get the hell away from me!” respectively. But I refused to be deterred in my quest for the Truth! Finally, I found someone who could explain it all to me. He smelled terrible, and rolled back and forth muttering to himself, and I think he lives in the subway station, but here’s how he explained it to me.

The 401 comes from the number of gallons of Scotch it took for congress to agree on a comprehensive plan where taxpayers willingly put aside a portion of their money without paying taxes on it now, hoping vainly that it will be enough to keep them ahead of inflation, taxes, nuclear holocausts, locust plagues, and housing market collapses later. Apparently, during the planning process, they sealed the building and refused to let any legislator leave until everyone was in agreement, and victuals were airlifted in each day to keep them focused on the task at hand. Unfortunately, with all they could drink and free food shipped in daily on the taxpayers dime, it was several conga lines around the rotunda before they remembered they had a job to do, and several hangover cures were necessary before they even remembered what the word “law” meant.

Having given their proposition a number, they sat down to figure out what should be done with the money. Unfortunately, a number of schools of thought developed, and so 25 separate proposals were made. Each one was assigned a letter of the alphabet.

401(a) This proposal was named after representative Aaron A. Altamount, (R-IA) who spent three hours each day trying to convince Congress that the money should be invested into a pyramid scheme. His logic was that everyone benefits once they’re all members, and then we could help developing nations by getting them to join. The letter “a” was assigned as a joke, as representative Wayne Karrigan (D-VT) said “Let’s call it A not because it’s [Altamount’s] initial, but because he has a big, fat ass!”

401(b)itchslap All of your money is spent paying Mr. T. to personally bitchslap banking managers until they agree to raise the interest rates for savings accounts, and give free toasters to the masses.

401(c)rack All of your money is given to the CIA, who then buys all of the crack cocaine available on the streets. After it is held in their impound building for a few weeks, demand will skyrocket, allowing them to earn large returns on your investment by putting it back on the streets at higher prices.

401(d)ance, slave monkey, DANCE! Your money is spent on training a personal slave monkey to dance on your command. Not very practical, but a lot of fun.

401(e)rotic All of your money is invested in the adult entertainment industry, because hey, that’s one area of the economy that’s guaranteed to do well no matter what the NASDAQ says. Plus, the quarterly reports are a LOT more interesting.

401(f) All of your money is systematically put in brown paper bags, and then buried in a government artillery range, and any maps leading to it are discarded. If you can find it without getting shelled, it's yours tax-free. Otherwise, you're fucked.

401(g)ummy All of your money is spent on gummy bears, which are then consumed by one sixth grader. The insulin generated in his body is painfully harvested and sold to pharmaceutical companies for a return on your investment.

401(h)ormone Your money is spent on the hormone therapy, radical reconstructive surgery, and mascara necessary to give you a complete sex change. Then, you can earn twice what you had been saving for years in a matter of hours as you turn to a life of specialty prostitution.

401(i)nvasion Your money is used to finance the U.S. military’s invasion of Canada. Then, depending on the particular amount of contribution, you will be assigned seized lands, personal property, and actual Canadians who must spend the rest of their lives in servitude to you.

401(j) Your money is spent on securing a command performance of J.J. Russell in your home (“Dyn-o-mite!”), because the man who has laughter is very rich indeed.

401(k) Named after Senator Charles “Special K” MacStevenson, (R-MA) who said, “Hey, it’s their fucking money. Why don’t we let THEM decide what they want to do with it? Am I right, people?” Congress left it in for laughs, and had no idea how popular it would later become.

401(l)egal fees Your money is used to keep a lawyer on retainer, because by the time you’ve retired, at least one person will have tried to sue you for money because of something you’ve done. Or didn’t do. Or said. Or didn’t say. Or thought. Or implied.

401(m)armosets Because everyone loves marmosets. Especially when you pay them to frolic.

401(n)uclear deterrent All of your money is used to further develop America’s nuclear arsenal. By the time you’re ready to retire, the radiation leaking from the warheads has either killed you or mutated you into something tough enough to hold your job until you die.

401(o) was never made into an actual plan as far as anyone knows. Congress couldn’t get their mind out of the gutter for the five minutes it would take to come up with a viable plan for the letter, they’d just snicker and make dirty jokes. Finally, when asked to put something on paper, Senator Mark Herrickton (D-AZ) said, “Hey, we’ve got something planned for the money.” Then, before collapsing into guffaws, he squealed, “DON’T BLOW AN O-RING!”

401(p)resident All of your money is placed in the private bank account of a bank president, who then spends it all on booze, drugs, and expensive mistresses. Hell, you’ll never save up enough money to live that kind of lifestyle, so won’t you sleep easier knowing that someone will?

401(q)uality financial planning Ultimately, this plan was rejected as being more than you deserve.

401(r)obot butlers Your money is used to develop the automatic robot butler, with a power source that doesn’t need recharging. He’ll cook, clean, and even iron your shorts as you life the life of tomorrow’s retired millionaire, TODAY!

401(s)hakespeare All of your money is invested in Hollywood productions of modern-day adaptations of William Shakespeare’s plays. The logic behind this was, “Sure, everything before now was a bomb, but that just means that their time is due!” Most of this money will be paid to Julia Styles.

401(t)urner and hooch Besides being a great movie, it hasn’t reached total global market saturation yet. That’s why under this plan, your money is used on a showy marketing blitz, to bring this heartwarming comedy of canine films and mismatched police partners to nations like Paraguay, Uzbekistan, and the former territories of Yugoslavia. Because once they get a taste, they’ll be screaming for more.

401(u)nderground bunkers This was offered as a bit of a compromise between 401(n) and 401(i). Your money is spent on an enormous series of underground bunkers that span the entire country. Then, our weapons of mass destruction are used to sterilize the entire planet. The looting and pillaging in the aftermath will allow you to live in the comfort you so richly deserve, you warmongering bastard.

401(v)iolent combat All of the money you save is put into a pool with all of the money that everyone else your age is saving. Then, you all retire at the same time, and have to engage in a violent, winner-take-all deathmatch. There can be only one. Per age group.

401(w)et tee-shirt contests All of your money is spent by members of congress on travel, entertainment, fancy shoes, and haircuts. With the remaining $20 left in the fund by the time your retirement rolls around, they pay a bunch of homeless people to enter a wet tee-shirt contest in the hopes that it will distract you. And hey, a little water never hurt the homeless, did it?

401e(x)ploration Your money is spent on space exploration, in the hopes that mankind can contact an intelligent alien race who can show us an economic model which allows honest people to keep their money, and gives scheming hucksters a swift boot to the groin.

401(y)outh Your money is spent on the research and development of a serum which reverses the effect of aging. This way you can make yourself young again and start your career a little farther up the ladder, repeating as necessary until you can save up enough for a comfortable old age, somewhere around three thousand years from now.

401Free(z)e Your money is put into a bank account, and then you are cryogenically frozen on the day you retire. At a predetermined date, you will be thawed, and can live comfortably off of the billions of dollars that your account has earned in compound interest.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Backing into your dreams

The most effective goal setting happens in reverse, when you pick what you want and work backwards to see how you can get there. It's easiest to tackle your biggest goals in baby steps, and working back from the finish line helps you step in the right direction. I map things out in writing.

For example, it has been a lifelong dream of mine to meet Bruce Campbell, so I can start by writing that down ("MEET BRUCE CAMPBELL"). I can meet him by luring him out of his palatial Hollywood mansion with the smell of a delicious, fresh-baked pie, so I would write "BAKE A PIE" under "MEET BRUCE CAMPBELL." The logically preceding step would be "LEARN HOW TO BAKE," although I shouldn't forget to include "LEARN BRUCE CAMPBELL'S FAVORITE TYPE OF PIE," and "FIND OUT WHERE BRUCE CAMPBELL LIVES," which should all be listed as steps towards our eventual meeting. I'm done once I have worked my way back to the point I'm at now, which is ignorant of Bruce's address (and pie preferences) and unable to bake (but full of ambition). Then I have a roadmap that I can follow upwards to realize my dreams.

This method also works to encourage parallel thinking and to recognize more than one way to reach a goal. For example, I don't need to bake a pie, as long as I have something that looks like a pie ("BUILD FAKE PIE") along with a way to simulate that new-pie smell ("GENERATE EXCITING SMELLS"). This is great because once I have laid out all of my options I can choose which ones will take the least amount of work for maximum efficiency. I can also work on multiple strategies so that I have backup plans if something doesn't turn out the way it's supposed to ("RENT PIE COSTUME").

However, problems arise at the two extremes of the creativity spectrum: the unimaginative and the insane. Unimaginative people may scoff at my goal of bringing the dead back to life, calling it a crime against God and nature. However, neither of these obstacles are insurmountable. A figurative definition of “dead” allows me to work miracles (CONVINCE NETWORK TO RESUME “ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR” SERIES) or facsimiles thereof (BUY “ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR” DVDS). A little imagination makes it easy to publish that memoir by your cat, as long as you're flexible on the definitions of "memoir," "cat," and "publish."

Far more challenging are the goals that can not (or should not) be attempted. People could waste their entire lives trying to eat braised leprechaun calves, and that's not even a goal that wastes the lives of others. All it takes is one person going about the courtship of Jodie Foster the wrong way to ruin things for everyone.

That's why there is something to be said for having your plans reviewed by a third party. The internet, the yellow pages, or even the line at the unemployment office are all excellent places to find one of the hundreds of thousands of professional coaches out there who will help you develop a plan of action in exchange for money (or in some cases, a hot meal). A coach can align your goals with more realistic and achievable expectations, like helping you realize that turning milk into yogurt can be as personally rewarding as converting mass into energy.

Whether you are working backwards on your own or with assistance, the method helps not only to reach your goal, but for seeing if your goal is worth reaching. Why spend 12 years teaching a cat to play the banjo when it won't even put you on the cover of Cat Fancy magazine? After a thorough examination of your objectives and priorities, you may find that you can set the bar for your goals so low that you accomplish something by doing almost nothing at all ("MEET SOMEONE NAMED BRUCE").