Thursday, June 26, 2008

Foreigners Are Trying to Kill My Daughter

Lousy, stinking crib recall. Although they admitted that they are at fault and issued a voluntary recall, the company that manufactured cribs that were shoddy enough to break apart and strangle babies certainly isn't making it easy to fix the situation. And as the owner of one of these deathtraps from across the pacific, I'm pretty disgruntled about it.

My daughter needs a safe place to sleep tonight, and their recall process is anything but speedy. First I have to register with them to show that my daughter's crib is in fact one of theirs and affected by the recall. Then I wait for them to send me a recall kit. Then I follow the instructions in the kit, taking apart the crib and sending pieces back to the company to prove that I actually owned the crib and that now no one else will be able to use it. Then in a week or more, I get a voucher for the original purchase price of the crib. The voucher is only good at Toys 'r' Us or Babies 'r' Us. It is only applicable towards the purchase of a replacement crib. If I select a crib that costs more than I paid for the childkilling crib, I have to pay the difference. If I buy a crib that is cheaper, I will not be refunded any of the money that I originally wasted paid.

Given that this process is supposed to take at least a week, where am I supposed to put my daughter? Not to mention the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere, and the original purchase of the crib was a Gigantic, Time-Consuming Production. It's an hour drive to the nearest Babies 'r' Killed Us, and they don't keep any cribs in stock beyond the floor models. So that's more time before we can get a replacement crib, and since I don't have any way to get it home, requesting delivery incurs extra costs of money and time.

I blame this recall on the company that made the shoddy cribs in "Vietnam or China," but also on globalization's hypercompetitive drive to offer cheaper and cheaper merchandise, which means outsourcing to sweatshops and sub-par imports from third world countries. We wouldn't have this problem with an American-made crib because it would have been twice as big, three times heavier, and six times as sturdy, possibly made out of solid steel.

Is my righteous blaze of jingoistic fury unwarranted? Can I just leave my daughter in the crib until its replacement arrives, gambling with her very life? No, because every night she spins to the side and starts kicking the defective slats. Either she has a death wish (not likely), or her critical eye had already assessed the structural flaws inherent in her resting place, and was desperately trying to alert us to the danger before it was too late. Per her unspoken demand, we shall not let her lie in that accident-waiting-to-happen for another second!

The whole thing makes me angry. So angry, in fact, that the only remedy is a juicy burger, cooked rare with 100% beef from United Food Group, and topped with fresh sliced tomatoes. In fact, I think I'll go drive out and get one in my Ford explorer, right after I add some air to its Firestone tires.


Anonymous said...

On the bright side, what with the skyrocketing fuel prices affecting the cost of intercontinental shipping, the outsourcing of manufactured goods to Asian sweatshops is looking less and less attractive, financially-speaking. Hooray for the invisible hand of economics!

PMJG said...

I'd be okay with the invisible hand if it wasn't dealing out savage beatings with such a regular frequency.

"Adapt or die" is all well and good on the African veldt, but someone who is killed financially has to stick around and suffer afterwards.