Monday, June 2, 2008

10 Things to Learn on Your First Day at Work

  • Despite Mel Gibson’s popularization of the term “sugartits,” it is not considered acceptable language for the workplace.

  • Referring to copying, typing, filing, and answering phones as “bitch work” will not make you any friends.

  • Pinching coworkers on the ass is not appropriate, even if they are asking for it.

  • The phrase, “Do it now, because I said so, shitstain,” is neither motivational nor encouraging.

  • You will not need to bring an alarm clock with you to work. If you decide to nap on the job, your coworkers or supervisors will be more than happy to wake you. The tricky part is getting them to wake you at a specific time.

  • Names are not written on the lunches in the refrigerator so that you know who to thank after you eat them.

  • Pinching managers on the ass is not appropriate, especially when they are asking for it.

  • Asking if you have to be sober to do your job is bad, but not being sober when you show up to do your job is worse.

  • Before starting games of tic-tac-toe, or engaging in doodles and/or written speculation regarding the bedroom habits of your coworkers, be absolutely sure that the paper you are using isn’t a document that has been prepared for widespread distribution.

  • As security personnel escort you off of the premises to the waiting police car, pinching them on the ass is not appropriate. They will never ask for it.


Anonymous said...

you're really big on ass pinching - aren't you?

PMJG said...

For the purposes of this piece? Yes.

In the blog as a whole?

Well, I dare you to try and find another ass-pinching reference in the posts I've made to date.